What the hell am I doing? That's something that I have asked myself several times in the past few days. I already know that I have pretty terrible judgement when it comes to guys. I acknowledge this and do my best not to be so self-absorbed about it when discussing it with my friends, but that doesn't always mean I am successful. Sorry.

See, when I was younger I always thought that it was just a matter of time before I was in a long term relationship. It would happen for me, of course it would. I would meet that special guy and we would be all lovey dovey like all of my friends. It probably didn't help that my best friends starting at 12 were usually boy-crazed maniacs that went through guy after guy (ok, maybe not CRAZED). I was always there, hanging as the 3rd wheel. Of course later I progressed into the 5th, 7th and even sometimes 9th wheel. Gotta love that.

But you know what, I'm generally fine. I like being able to do things when I want to do them and on my own terms. I don't really even know how to be in a relationship at this point. I mean, I know that there isn't some formula, some script that I should be expected to follow, but I just am unsure of how I am at being with another person so much. I give pieces of myself away fairly easily. I have always been so concerned about making others happy, making sure that they have fun. And that can get really exhausting. I'm not saying that I would ever want to become this selfish person who only cares about herself, but I think that at times I should really let go and not be so worried about others. Things have a way of working out, right?

So when I find out interesting little tidbits about how someone has gone behind my back and been shady, I am almost not surprised. And I'm not really that upset. And that kind of scares me. I don't want to be jaded and bitter. I really have no reason to feel that way. I should stand up for myself. After all, I'd much rather be single and the 37th wheel than someones fool.

And hey, if it never works out for me and Mr. Right, I can just make a career out of babysitting my friends' kids. Plus I know some people who can give me the 411 on adoption. Hah.

Happy V-day

You know your love life is in a fabulous place when you have to beg one of your best friends to go to dinner with you, just so you have a date. And when she starts to protest, you say that you will drive to her house and sit out front and beg until she comes out, that helps. Ah yes, dignity is not a concern of mine any longer.

In all honesty it was a pretty good Valentines. Several of my kids gave my cards, as well as family, and I even got me some cupcakes. Yum.

Back to normal...

...whatever that means.

The kids have really been going crazy with all of this rain. I am very happy that there may finally be some snow, but I may end up pulling all of my hair out before I get to enjoy it. And I imagine skiing with no hair would be cold.

Something I have thought a lot about lately is my role as an adult working with kids and living at home. I'm 25 and in pretty much all cultures I am an adult. Some time in the past few year, although I can't exactly pinpoint it, I stopped really feeling like I kid and started feeling like I am this responsible human being. I am the one that they come to to open a too-tight cap or to fix an ouchie. And that feels really good, but it's also scary.

This Christmas, my dad talked about how weird it is knowing that his parents are no longer alive. He called himself an orphan. Although that may be a tad dramatic considering he is 52, I do see his point. For the first time he feels like he is really on his own. I imagine that when you have children you feel that to some degree as well. The awesomeness of it all can be overwhelming.

Living at home I feel like I am also stuck in this weird place. Yes, I am an adult, but under my parent's roof, I feel as if I am slipping some. I antagonize and tease like I did when I was a teenager. I feel myself getting upset at every question or comment that may or may not have negative undertones. And I don't like feeling that way. I want to be the adult that I am in the outside world. I want to be rational and kind.

I think that because of this dichotomy I feel this need to keep my social life private from my family. I have never talked about or even mentioned any of my guy friends, until recently. And now that I have exposed that part of myself, I am a little hesitant about how to proceed. Maybe just recognizing that I have different parts to me and I can, and will, share each of them with who I want is something powerful. I'm glad to gain this new self-awareness.

I'm still very excited to see what the future has in store, guy friends and otherwise.

In the past month I have been exposed to more grossness than I had in the past 5 years. And I still don't hate it.

Right after Christmas I dealt with a kid throwing up on the floor right in front of me (better than the guy she actually threw up ON), twice. Then I cleaned it up. And it didn't even really bother me. And then they told us that we had been exposed to impetigo. And then I got sick for New Years. And I was exposed to strep. And then last Friday I heard words that I hoped I would never hear...you have been exposed to LICE.

And that is not all, my friends. The following morning I had to CHECK THE HEADS OF ALL THE CHILDREN. CHECK THEM FOR LICE. Do you understand my need for caps here??? I dug my fingers through the mangy scalps of small children all morning long. Oh, but it doesn't end there.

Today the offender children showed up and I had to check their hair too. Except this time I FOUND LICE ALL OVER THEIR HEADS. I am breaking out in goose bumps as I write this. I can not describe how grossed out I am at the thought of these little creatures crawling all over. My head itches for no reason. I have checked myself about 80 gazillion times and nothing, but still. What a horrific combination of my scalp/dead skin/bug neuroses. It is not an experience that I would like to relive.

And good luck not having your head itch now! hah!

Oh, but I still want to be a teacher and if this isn't a test I don't know what is.

Do you have my keys? If you do, please give them back. Please. I really need them. Thank you.