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It's crazy how life works. Some things you see coming from a mile away, while others sneak up on you. Both can knock you senseless.

What I thought was going to be a simple, relaxing weekend with the family turned out not to be.

Alex's birthday party was quite fun and low key. Part of the curse of having a summer birthday when you are a kid is that your friends are gone on vacation. It was a problem for me the whole time I was growing up and it seems Alex is going to have the same issue. Even with only a few kids, I think he had a pretty good time. Plus he continued his steady accumulation of gifts, never a bad thing.

The rest of the weekend seems kind of like a blur. So long ago and far off, yet still right there. How vague can I be. A lot of talking, not talking, broken hearts and altered expectations. Sometimes the most certain things in life really aren't at all what they seem.

I'm not very good at explaining my frustrations and anger toward others. I never have been. Sometimes I try to write things down, but most of the time I just chicken out. I dread conflict and the thought that I could hurt others so much that I avoid any sort of confrontation until things just seemed to go away. Of course they never really do. They just simmer beneath the surface. It's my own fault for saying nothing, but it's something that I have yet to figure out how to get past.

Part of the problem with this form of coping is that stupid things can set me off. I'm not saying that ONLY stupid things do, but it can sometimes seem as if I am completely over reacting when in my head I'm being totally rational because I'm still dealing with that other thing too. I did this when my parents divorced. I refused to break down or get angry about the important things, but then I would cry when someone ate my cinnamon roll. It wasn't about the pastry, it was just something non-threatening that triggered me.

Apparently I'm not the only one in my family who has these issues. The divorce and period after it affected by brother more that I thought. He didn't cry about silly things like I did or hide out in his room. He had his own issues, but was always a really caring boy.

In the past few years he's developed into someone I don't feel like I know very well. We stopped sharing the closeness we did when we were kids. Survival mode wasn't something we had to deal with anymore, but we shifted out of it in different ways. He's 21. He has his own life, I get that. But that doesn't mean I stopped worrying about him or wanting the best for him. As much as he may think I am nagging him, I only do the things that I do because I know that he is a fantastic person and I want great things for him. Life can throw some shitty things at you and better you position yourself to deal with them the better off you will be, or so I hope.

Something I didn't realize, despite all this, is how self aware he is. He gets that what we went through effects him now. He is more like me than I ever knew. It makes me proud and sad for him at the same time. Small stupid choices aside, I know that we will always be there for each other when things turn South or we are hurting. Even when we don't know that we need it.

In the spirit of all of this I'd like to say, I hope those who are hurting or searching for answers to the "what if" questions get what they want. May the broken hearts heal with as little pain and scaring possible. I hope you realize that no matter what, despite the ache, you are loved.

A message for Vegas

Thanks Shira

While I'm on the topic of useless things that I wonder about, what do you call it when you have a sneeze, burp, hiccup, cough all at the same time? That's a lot of air going all over the place is a small space. Maybe that's how heads explode. Yikes.

I swear I'm not on any drugs, but I did just takes some airborne. That stuff is radioactive.

Goodbye Pluto

So as of today, Pluto is no longer a planet.


For some reason this makes me irrationally sad. Like a part of my interest in the things I learned in childhood are gone. It's still there physically, of course, but now what for the solar system? 8 planets? What's up with that? It totally ruins the little rhyme they made us learn in elementary school.

My Very Energetic Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.

Now there's no pizza! We are left hanging. And what about all those kids who had to do reports on planets and got stuck with Pluto? Do their effort mean nothing??? I think the cracked-out scientists who made this decision neglected to consider these very pressing issues.

I know all of this is highly neurotic thinking and makes no difference to the scientific community, but I don't care. What a bummer.

This morning on the way to work there was a tree down blocking the road. I was the second person there. It's kind of freaky. If I had gotten there a minute or 2 earlier who knows what could have happened. It knocked down some power lines and could have done some real damage. I guess you never know what your day is going to bring.

I feel like I really need to get down all the cool stuff I did in Costa Rica. I had so much fun. It was relaxing and exciting and a really nice break, but I just haven't had time. Plus I want to do it with all the pictures *ahem MJ*.

My family comes back from Germany today. I'm picking them up at the airport and driving their sorry tired butts home. It has been so quiet in the house without them. I love spending time with Grandma, but I miss the babies too. Alex turns 5 tomorrow and I have no idea how that happened. I swear he was just born.

Hopefully I will get to start my reap this weekend. Stay tuned.

I almost cried for the second time today...

Happy Birthday
Sorry it's late, but I had to wait before I could afford to give you the present that you deserve.
Love, Justin

I have much to report back on. The Costa Rica trip was excellent. It will have to wait for a wee bit though. I'm entirely worn out physically and emotionally right now. Yes, I just had a break, but sometimes vacations seem to make you more tired than you were when you started. Or maybe it's that you realize what you could be doing if you didn't have to go to work and that thought is entirely depressing. Or maybe it's that coming back here made me feel physically ill and like I was going to have a break-down before noon. I'll keep you posted.

I have a question for the universe.

Did I do something to offend you? Am I a bad person? Certainly there are others more desrving of punishment than me. Why is it then that you continue to punish me? WHY?

A few weeks ago it was the caterer mess. That was plenty. Then there was the fallout from that. It reached even into this week. Just when I thought I was scott free, I get to my car on my way to a week off and MY BATTERY IS DEAD.

Are you freaking kidding me with this crap?!?!?!?

As I type I am sitting in my car, waiting for someone in some kind of proximity to me to help me. I don't want to waste valuable vacation bucks on a freaking tow truck, but I just might have to.

Happy vacation to me.

There's nothing like being told that you suck at your job of the past year and a half right before a vacation that you have been looking forward to for years.

I guess at some point you just have to throw up your hands and give up.

Cheers.

These are some of the things that I received for my birthday:

- A man. OK, it was a woman. And she was made of fruit.
- $unblock, bug $pray and $tuff for my trip to Co$ta Rica (there's a hint as to what it was wrapped in)
- Food to BBQ (hey that is a great present)
- An awesome bowling score
- An upclose view of a DUI bust
- Clothes
- A book
- A tour on my trip to CR
- A rockin' S&M looking bag
- Jewelry
- A new found appreciation for the names "Pillow Pants" and "Kelly"
- A rubber ducky
- A new check box for questionaires (no longer 18-24, woo hoo)
- A relaxing weekend where I had to make limited decisions about life. Perfect.