Blurry and distorted. That's what life has been like the last couple of days. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am focusing on anything and I start to get dizzy.

This is the view from my hotel window last night. it was raining and I was tired. I couldn't get one that was focused, but I still like the way the color and light blends together.

It got harder.

She died yesterday.

And I leave for Washington today. It's going to be a long, hard week.

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...
If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Sometimes you just need a hug

Yesterday was hard.

It started out ok. A normal day at work, moving and shaking. Then at 3:00pm or so my dad called. I forgot that when we had lunch on Tuesday I told him to call when he was visiting my grandma so I could talk to her. I hadn't prepared at all for it. Mentally I was in work mode.

So I went into an office and shut the door so I could be in quiet and hear her better. I had no idea what to expect. Reports from the family were mixed.

We said hi. I asked her how she was doing. Told her I loved her and that I miss her a bunch of times. I told her to give grandpa a hard time for me and I hope I can see her soon. Then I had to go. I was all choked up. Her voice was really small, weak, horse and far away. You could tell she was really struggling to talk and there were lots of silences. We only were on together for a minute or 2, but it was enough.

Then my dad came back on the line and I tried to ask her how she was doing. Better? Same? Worse than we thought? She's worse. He told me that he would call me later and we hung up.

And then I started to cry. I couldn't stop.

Back around the holidays I was having a really hard time with it all. My grandma is someone who's meant so much to me and it is really hard to think about her not being here. It's even harder to think about her in pain. I don't want her to hang on if she is going to be miserable and suffering.

It's like everything has gotten so drawn out. Just when I start to feel like I will be okay with it all something else happens and I break down again. I don't how I will feel when she actually passes. I know it won't be easy. But this is no piece of cake either.

I got through the work day after a talk with my mom. She tried to reassure me that crying is okay and it helps release all the hurt and tension and sadness. That's healthier than keeping it in. As soon as I got home though, the tears came screaming back. Something super little and stupid set me off again and it was like I just couldn't turn it off. When I finally did I was exhausted. Ericka was nice enough to indulge my chocolate shake craving and I crawled into be full and ready to say goodbye to the day.

Today is better. I'm trying not to think about her too much because I know it will get me going again. I'm trying to concentrate on the fact that this is all just a part of life and it will pass. Remembering the good things helps. And having friends who tell me I'm ok and knowing that they care. Thanks.

Happy Birthday Olivia

Jenna had her baby!

Olivia April Kuhl
February 22, 2006
4lbs 14oz, 17.25 inches long.
She is beautiful and perfect in every way.

Long Weekend Wonderful

Boy do I love holiday weekends. EVERY weekend should be a holiday!

On Saturday I spent the morning lounging around and being lazy in general. It was everything I wanted it to be. Then at 2:00 I hauled my booty to my mom's place. It was her and Dieter's 11th anniversary and I offered to watch the kiddies for them. The weather was rather "yucky" and the Rothmeiers were far from motivated. I had to keep bugging them to make a decision about where to spend their romantic evening. They settled on the Tyrolean Inn, a Bavarian restaurant in Felton. I headed out to get pizza (Little Caesars, only the best when Sissy is in charge), M&M's, SODA and a little something for the happy couple. Alex proclaimed that, "having sissy watch us is the COOLEST!"

They were in bed just after 9:00 and I headed home, full of pizza and happy.

Then on Sunday Janet called and we decided to hang out. My family decided to go on an adventure to Pinnacles National Monument. We all piled into the mini van and headed out. We stopped at this crazy little restaurant on the way and chowed down on yummy sandwiches and such.

The weather held out and even though it was pretty cold (for CA) we hiked around. Alex demonstrated his 2 speeds, running and stopped. We went through these caves that were pitch black in some places. It was really neat, but I think it may have been a bit much for the kiddies. We came out muddy, but unharmed. Alex kept talking about how cool it was that we were in the bat cave. Annie decided she won't be going back in there without a flashlight. I don't really blame her.

On the way back to the car we took the rim trail and got some amazing views of the surrounding valley. They clouds were pretty fantastic and my mom took plenty of pictures to prove it.

On the way home we went off the highway and explored the "wine route," with its total of 3 vineyards.

A little Carpos takeout, some wine and some chocolate finished us off. We vegged out by the TV until we got sleepy and headed to bed.

On Monday we awoke, ecstatic to not be at work. Janet and I helped nurse the ailing Ericka with some tea and oatmeal and then walked to Emily's for coffee and treats.

After we got back we head downtown to see the much-anticipated Eight Below. Now, the previews made Ericka cry, but I figured that since it was a Disney movie it couldn't possibly be that bad. Plus 1/2 the audience (at least) was under 12. But the whole movie was a big tear jerk. People sobbed. And even when you weren't sobbing you were thinking about those dogs or the guy missing the dogs and there you went again. We walked out of there with our eyes all red. It was a cute story though and I fell in love with the little beasts. America agreed too because it was the #1 movie last weekend.

We wrapped up the weekend with Chinese food and reruns of America's Next Top Model, season 1. Perfection.

Goodbye Jenna

So today is Jenna's last day. After producing the fabulous and extremely adorable Bea last January, she surprised us all (and even herself, I think) with another pregnancy. B2 is due on March 14, but we all think that she will be making her entrance much earlier, just like her big sister. And so today is Jenna's last before maternity leave.

Last Friday we threw her a semi-surprise shower. We had pizza and cake and opened presents. It was a lot of fun. I'm really sad to see Jenna go. I'm excited for her and the expansion of her family, but sterling is slowly but surely becoming a lonely place. I have appreciated having a lunch buddy and a sometimes bad influence (get the cookie, you know you want it). I wish her luck and can't wait to see the pics of the new little one and anticipate the announcement in the next few days or weeks.

Poo Talk

We've taken to discussing bathroom habits at my office today. One of the co-workers takes our company's magazines into the restroom during his visits. He has now started bringing print outs of things he is working on too. I'm all for efficiency, but C'mon. I don't want you proof, or even touch, his poo-room documents. The poor people who work with him!

And today he came back from lunch 40 minutes late (after getting in 45 minutes late) carrying a can of baked beans. BAKED BEANS. Why would he bring such vile alleged eddibles into the building? Was he not happy with his 4 trips a day to the potty place? I just don't get it.

Keep your fecal-matter-containing-work-materials to yourself. And leave the beans at home. Thanks Sparky.

A Snipet

J: I swear it smells like brown sugar in my office, but everyone else thinks I am insane.

it totally does though

E: I side with your coworkers

J: shush!
you get no side

you are not here!

it totaly does

like oatmeal

with brown sugar

and a client totally just looked at me like I am insane
and I don't care

I SMELL IT!

E: what kind of drugs have you been taking?

J: sudafed

E: oh. sudafed totally makes you smell brown sugar when it's not there
---------------------
On a sides note, what does this look like to you?

Why am I so freaking hungry lately? And it's not just me, but everyone in my office. Maybe the cold weather is making us all crave extra sustenance.

And I know New York is totally in a blizzard and all so I should not be complaining, but man it was [California] cold last nigh. Burrrr.

Today my office smells like a mixture of toxic glue and nail polish. It is giving us all headaches.

On a totally unrelated note, I had the worst burrito ever yesterday. It was supposed to be a caesar burrito with lettuce and caesar dressing and I asked them to add rice for a little substance. That may be a little odd, but I have had things like that before and they have actually been good. Except when I got home and opened it up it was actually rice (TONS), Cheese, (quite a bit) and caesar dressing all by itself. No lettuce. It was so nasty. I ended up throwing half of it away and learned that not all of my brilliant ideas are in actuality good ones. At least I had an Icing On The Cake cookie to help erased the painful memory of it.

And then I got to surprise my roommates with cute little trinkets. I love it. My mom got me neat earrings too.

Aren't you glad that I have updated you? Now go forth and conquer.
:-)

A little Fun

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out. Your heart is open to where ever love takes you! Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking What turns you off: fighting and conflict Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Happy Heart Day.

I totally blew it and in the midst of my migraine hell from yesterday totally forgot about Valentines. I usually am the holiday freak (like I have mentioned before), but I missed out and wore boring black instead of my usual pink and red ensemble. Oh well, I can be a freak tomorrow instead. And next year. And St. Patrick's Day.

This beautiful and highly enjoyable warm weather is confusing the plants and making them bloom. It's reaking havok on my sinuses. It would seem that Phil the groundhog was mistaken. Or at least he was about California. The East Coast is having quite the snow storm.

I also have a case of Olympicsitis. I love them. And yet I am disappointed in how regulated and suspicious all the drug testing and such has become. It takes away from the spirit of the games. And if a poor guy is taking propecia, obviously he has already been dealt a blow by mother nature and the hair gods. Give him a break.

I think the new girl at work may be stalking me.

Okay, not really, but for the past 3 days she has shown up in almost the same outfit as me. 3 days people! I even told her yesterday that I would be wearing black today and yet she shows up in black too. Why? Because she thought I was kidding! Um, no.

So I'm not really offended at all and think it's totally hilarious. People in the office are getting a kick out of it too and teasing us.

Also, one of the office women is pregnant and getting pretty close to having the baby. I approve because her other daughter is so freaking cute I can't stand it and adorable babies are always welcome. We are throwing her a little baby shower at work on Friday. Last night I went and got her a present for the baby. Because her first kid is just over 1 and also a girl she is pretty set with clothes and all the baby gear. Looking through all the adorable outfits made me want to coo. My mom actually DID coo. She gave me a speech about how I have to hurry up and giver her grandbabies so that she can buy them cute things. This is coming from the woman who has told me my whole life that she had me SO young (24) and I should have as much fun as I can before I have kids.

The point to all this is A) my mom is nuts (but you knew that) B) everyone is having a baby right now C) baby clothes are freaking adorable and I may develop a new shopping addiction soon D) I hope Jenna makes it to the end of the week, because I will miss her when she is gone and I want to be able to hang out with her as much as possible. Oh yeah, and co-workers dressing alike can be surprisingly entertaining.

Everyday Fug: Arkansas

At first glance this woman seems to be rather put-together and generally pleasant looking. But then there are the eyebrows. Oh yes. They are like fat, black caterpillars and are in stark contrast to her bleached hair. And so Ms. Prosecutor Lona McCastlain, I know that you must be a very smart and determined woman to have uncovered such scandal, but please remember that eyebrow maintainance is key, even in litle Lonoke.

What the heart says...

My chocolate wrapper told me to:

Make someone melt today.


Well, I may not be able to do that, but my wardrobe screams "early valentine" today. Since next week I will be at a storage unit and therefore unable to wear my cute outfit, I decided to wear it today. I even have matching red shoes, bordering on a little too kiddish. Commence fake vomiting noises.

Those who know me know that I am a holiday freak. I love dressing up and decorating. I'm the kid who embraced braces because that was just another place where I could express my holiday spirit. Pink and red for v-day, green for St. Patty's, you get the picture. So even though I have been without an official Valentine for all but 1 v-day, I am determined to be my freakishly celebratory self. Over-commercialized-retail-driven-nonsense of a holiday or not.

Everyday Fug

I feel like I've said this before, but really mean it now. I/we/people I know need to start and everyday fug site. We will take picture of people on the street that make us cringe and go, "OH HONEY NOOOO!" And you know who I'm talking about. Like this woman and her insane hair. (she's the one with 16 kids)


Her poor children would probably be very embarrassed if they had the chance. And furthermore, I KNOW there are many offenders that go undocumented on a daily basis.
Like this woman, a gem, who unsuspectingly ventured out, not knowing about the camera phones that abound.



Or anyone wearing these.


I think you get my point.

The ladies of Fug do such a great job with the celebrities, I think we owe it to society to carry on the great tradition that they have started. Together we can put and end to elastic-waited-tapered-stone-washed jeans for good.

The Other Sterling

So, I had a fairly whacky childhood. That's no big surprise and I know I'm not alone there. My parents divorced when I was 9. Afterward I could tell that they were both wrecked. Physically and emotionally exhausted. They coped with it in very different ways. My dad ended up quitting his job and camping in Montana for months, while my mom buried herself in work and collapsed at the end of the day.

While my dad was off finding himself in the wilderness (in reality that part didn't last that long, it just seems that way to a kid, especially when the birthday princess' b-day gets missed), my mom looked for support in other areas.

Enter Sterling. No, not may current job (but don't think I haven't taken great amusement in that coincidence), but a Sterling Institute of Relationship, workshop/support group kind of place. I don't know who started the trend, but eventually a majority of my family members were participants.

The process starts out with "the weekend." Men's division and family of women participate in different events that are all highly top secret. After that they are put into these support groups that meet once a week and discuss their relationship issues. It was hard to grasp everything that they were doing since I was never older than 12 while my mom was a part of it, but it seemed freaky to me even then.

My mom met and dated several men who were also part of Sterling. They had their relationship barriers like everyone else. One after another. And as her kids we went to camp out and participated in their sponsored community service events. It was a whole world that they had created.

Eventually my dad became so concerned about these people that we were spending so much time around and he did a weekend to see what it was all about. I know that it involved a lot of grunting and cigars and eventually nakedness. Yeah...

So anyway, my mom either grew out of it or something happened to get her to leave, because eventually we no longer attended Sterling events and the meetings stopped. She even married a nice, normal, stable guy that she met through mutual non-sterling friends. Even so, that organization and its cult-like atmosphere left a very strong and lasting impression on me.

Today I was helping a co-worker think of different community service projects that she could participate in and ICSD, a sterling-run school renovation project, came to mind. Apparently it no longer exists. I found a really interesting article about ICSD and Sterling in general that brought back a lot of memories and helped me feel like my interpretation of everything was pretty damn accurate, even for a kid.

If you are interested enjoy the article.

I love books on CD. They make my drive better. They make me happy and hauling my ass up to SF tolerable. That is all.

American Apparel

So...what's up with This place?

I don't get it. They just opened up a store in Santa Cruz and Gayle and I wandered in last weekend while hanging out downtown. I had seen snipits of their stuff from watching the cable makeover shows I am obsessed with, but in reality it's just so blah.

The store itself is very sterile and plastic. Everything is white, I'm guessing to contrast with all of the various bright solid-colored cotton items. Who knew that there were so many styles of plain cotton shirts? THE WHOLE STORE. It was like a freaky twilight zone. Why would I pay $35 for a plain cotton tank top when I can get the same thing at 15 other stores within 5 miles for 1/3 that? And that's the whole store. They should call it BORING CHEAPLY MADE APPAREL SOLD HERE.

Lame. I wonder how long it will last in pseudo-hippie-quasi-yuppie-wannabe-frat-people land. Only time will tell.

Happy Groundhog's Day

I got scooped! Beaten to the punch!
Ericka totally whipped me. No Phil for you! WHY you ask..well because I spent this morning doing all sorts of training. But why would an Executive Assistant need special training (besides professional receptionist school, or so I've heard)?

Well, I got promoted. As 2/1, I am no longer an Executive Assistant, but instead an Office Manager. Same company, just less busy work and more "important" skills that I can use for later on. I'm excited and hope it all turns out well. This week I got to celebrate by thoroughly cleaning the office. So much fun. It looks way better though.

Thanks to all the well wishers. I'll keep you posted on my progress or lack thereof.