Poor Justin got strep on his birthday. We'll have to take him out on saturday when he feels better.

Happy Birthday Justin

Today my big little brother is 21.


I was born in 1981
but it wasn't until '84 that the fun had begun
along came this tiny, dark baby boy
who, for me, was a new and amusing play toy

I visted him in the hospital when he was brand new
and when I held him, my chance I nearly blew
by dropping him on his soft, squishy little head
he rolled off my lap and almost the bed
but my parents caught him and kept him quite safe
and now in my heart, he has earned his own place

for 21 years we fought and we've bickered
we've kicked and wrestled, been vicious and snickered
we grew up together, taller than most
and seeing you now makes me want to boast

I see the man that you have become
and your life on your own has hardly begun
you are kind and passionate, gentle and sweet
determined and playful, someone people want to meet

and now I believe it's time to start drinking
after today, you can "buy" without thinking
go out with your friends and party all night
just make sure you get home safe and alright

Here's to Justin, man of the hour
I love you, my brother, and couldn't be prouder!

Truely a time for Thanksgiving

T-day in LA.


We left SC at 5:45am on Thursday and met up with Dad and Gayle in SJ and then off to LA we went. After a stop at the least competent Denny's on the planet, we made it to LA, only to sit in traffic for hours.

We got to our hotel and began the cooking/reheating of our share of the food and then headed over to the grandparents' place to meat up with my uncle's family. I hadn't seen my cousins in awhile. It's funny how we all get along so well, even though our ages range from 17-25. The meal itself was pretty fast. We got grandma into her wheel chair and she sat upright at the table for 20 minutes or so, but she hardly ate anything. And she couldn't really keep her head up. Grandpa made a really touching, if not somewhat naive, toast about being thankful for having his family there and how much he loved his wife and how he hoped she would be there for many thanksgivings to come.

After dinner they put grandma back in her bed downstairs and the "grownups" gathered and watched silly tapes my uncle had (he makes them all the time. A lot of SNL and seinfeld). The kids cleaned up and then decided to play Zobmondo. It was hilarious. People trying to justify their wacky answers. "Really I think eating a dead armadillo would be much better than a live hamster. But it would be even better if it were a baby armadillo because then it would be smaller." They also joked about how we should all be on an episode of the real world and live in a huge house together.


After a little while we all gathered downstairs and hung out as a family, talking and just being together. It felt really good. I think we all realized how rare and opportunity it was and were content to just be in the same room and give thanks that grandma was able to have a nice t-day.

After everyone succumbed to the exhaustion of the day we said our goodbyes to the cousins and retired to our hotel.

Overall I'm not sure how I felt about the trip. It was really nice to see everyone for sure. I spent the week before in a state of emotional distress. I was raw with worry. I had a dooming feeling that grandma wouldn't make it to t-day and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye or tell her how much I love her. After getting there and holding her hand I'm re-assured and concerned at the same time. She is very weak, it's true. But I saw that she is still conscious and can hold down a conversation and recall all kinds of crazy facts about the family that no one else knows. And while it is fairly certain that she won't be around for the next year, I wonder if I will get to see her again before she goes. I guess I'm lacking the closure that I thought I would get by going down there. They again maybe it will take her passing to really be able to say goodbye. Or maybe I'm just too exhausted to process it all right now.

Whatever the out come, I will be grateful for another warm and loving memory from the amazing, graceful woman with the softest hands on the planet.

I'm thinking maybe Ericka and I should become the dynamic duo of personal shopping. I can run around picking out things and she can give critical feedback about coloring and how great those jeans make your ass look. One pair at a time we will take over the world! Okay, maybe not, but we can help make it better dressed for sure.

In dreams

*WARNING*
Crazy dream ahead. You have been warned.

Yeah, so last night I had some crazy dreams. Okay I had some crazy, raunchy sex dreams. With an old boyfriend. Who I never even had sex with.

So I was hanging out with another female friend (I can't remember who it was now, but I think it was Janet) and I decided that I was going to go "get" D (if you know me well at all then you know who D is). I'm not sure how this idea started, but I know it was well thought out and elaborate in the dream. So I dressed up as some slutty cowgirl with red metallic fabric and these fake guns that holstered in this boot strap-thing. One was red and one was white. The ticker is that the red one actually shot bullets where the white one only had blanks. He didn't know any of this though. I guess the plan was that I would force him to listen to me even if he didn't want to.

Okay, so I went over to his house and knocked on the door. He answered. We started to talk for a second and then we just started to make out. A lot. Somehow we ended up in this strange garage-like room. There was a mattress in there and 2 guys playing cards (his roomates I'm guessing). Anyway, we ignored them and started going at it. A lot. Over and over. It was great.

On a side note, I think that the garage scene came from the fact that during the summer between freshman and sophomore years in college I lived in my parents' garage-turned-bedroom and we were dating at the time.

Anyway, I woke up at some point down the line and was kind of startled in the way where a dream feels real and you just aren't sure what to think. I tried to go back to sleep, but only got into that half-asleep place. Still thinking about the dream and I could kind of see the house, but the interactions were gone.

What does it all mean? Who the heck knows. I sure as hell don't want to be with D anymore. It's just freaky to me that dreams can feel so real.

Depeche Mode

Let me just say this. IT WAS AWESOME.

The evening started out with some quick changes and make-up refreshing in the bathroom at work. I tried to chug a Sparks, but couldn't hack it so I had to waste half of it. I just can't chug bubbles.

So anyway, on our way to the show, Trina and I started a quest to find her a new T-shirt that she would be more comfy in. After a visit at Ross and Marshalls, we decided to give up on that idea and settled for purses. Off to downtown from there.

We parked across from the arena and decided to walk to San Pedro Square to get some dinner. Well...as it turns out, they have done some remodeling to the area since I was a kid and I got all turned around. I eventually called my mom and we found out way to the Spaghetti Factory. To pass the 45 minute wait, we hit the bar. 2 buttery nipples and 2 cosmos later I was starting to feel the warmth.

After chowing down quickly, we high-tailed it back to the arena. But not without a quick stop at Britania Arms, so Trina could get her Menthols (not light & menthol since there is no such thing), and a lemon drop shot for the road.

When we got inside we decided 1 more drink and souvenirs were in order. Miss Thang got herself up to the front of the line just as the music started to play. We decided to 86 the drink idea and just get to our seats. And let me tell you, they were really good seats. 14th row. I could see them sweating and the finely chiseled abs. It was great. I was concerned that I wouldn't know any of the songs, but I did know quite a few. We were groovin'. After 2 full hours of rocking, we headed out and got to our car with excellent timing and giddy with the excitement. Ears ringing, I headed home with a fab t-shit, great memories and a new appreciation for DM.

And you know what, after listening to the CD in my card, I realize just how much they rule in person.

Thanks again Trina. You are a babe and I had a super fabulous time.

My brother moved out of my mom's house and I'm irrationally angry about it. Part of it is probably because he didn't call and tell me. I had to hear it from my mom. The woman who been complaining to me about him since we were very small. It seems like everywhere I turn I get an earful about how irresponsible and slobbish he is. For some reason everyone finds it necessary to vent to me, as if I have some control over him. And this same woman got pissed that I wouldn't drop everything and rush right over to the new place. I don't get her.

Lately I feel like he is changing. He only calls when he wants something from me. It makes me sad because we used to be so close and have so much fun together. I know he is having problems with Masie. At the very least things are changing for them and I know it can't be easy.

I guess the real reason I'm upset is that I'm a little jealous. He's just starting his new life and getting his own place. I've been out here in the big bad world since 18. I'm very realistic and practical and responsible. And yet I'm not happy. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I never have any money. I want a vacation so bad that I can barely stand it. I'm entirely exhausted with the crap happening at my job. And in all likelihood, I'm going to have to move home, to the room he just left, in the near future.

So I'm having a woe is me day.

Off to Depeche Mode suckas!!!

Overheard:
I'm a little crazy. Everyone has their handicap.

Weekend-O-Rama

It's gonna be a busy weekend folks.

Tonight I get to have a date with Amy-Bo-Bamie. We are going to see a girlie movie and eat Red Robin and have fun. I am excited. Yee haw.

Then tomorrow I am going to go see Depeche Mode with Trina, my co-worker and a chick-ass chick. I don't exactly know a lot of their songs by name, but I know if I hear them I will remember. Plus we are going to go get dinner and drinks first, so it will be a "toasty" show.

THEN on Saturday I get to go see a Sharks game, my first, with Gayle. I may have to get garlic fries too. My dad said that the guys they sat next to last time were very entertaining, so that's a plus. Maybe I'll get Kellie vibes just being around hockey players, even though she won't be there. Wayne Gretskey and Mike Ricci! Can you handle it?

And somewhere in all of this I need to do laundry and see Walk the Line. I am amped. I wonder who I can convince to go with me. I'm so happy that next week is a short one. I need a break like no one's business. Plus, I'm anxious to see my grandma. My dad called this morning to talk about the game and before I listened to the voicemail all I could think about was something happened to grandma.

Oh! And I learned that they miscalculated my vacation hours and I really have over 50 saved! Yippee. If I ever do take a vacation it won't totally kill my pocket book. At least not from missing work.

We are going to my grandma's for T-day, but she might not make it that long. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. This sucks so much. I really want to see her. I just hope she can hang on until next week.

This morning in the shower I passed time by making up new lyrics to songs about how much I didn't want to go to work. Fun stuff.

Eat the smell

Have you ever wanted to eat the smell of something?

For instance, popcorn. I love the way it smells. The chemical buttery goodness lures me, draws me in, but the actual taste is just not as good. Don't get me wrong, I like popcorn, but the scent is just something else. Also, coffee. I love the aroma of coffee, but I dislike the taste. Is that weird? Also things like cinnabon at the mall. Sometimes the smell is so strong you can almost bite through it. Alas, the actual bons are so sweet they give me a headache. But that smell...I could eat that all day.

Shakin' things up

On the way home from SF last night there was some crazy lightening happening all over in the sky in front of me. Every few minutes a huge bolt flashed. While it was somewhat jarring and scary to realize that I was stuck on an overpass and, therefore, thatmuchcloser to it, it was also a really awesome sight.

Thing are being shaken up all over the place. My emotions have been going a little wild for various reasons lately. My grandma is not doing well at all. My dad told me on Tuesday that she has lost her hair from the chemo. I completely understand that is a part of the process, but I guess something switched in my head and it hit me really hard. It makes all of it seem so real, so tangible. And the cold hard truth is that she probably won't live long enough for it to grow back. My dad's going down there this weekend to see her and we are going to all go down for T-day. I know it's going to be really hard. I already have to fight back tears every time I think about it, but I really want to see her. And most likely I will be saying my goodbyes.

On top of all that, things at work have changed as well. My position has shifted. I am reserving judgment for now, but I am hopeful that this change will be for the better.

Tonight I am meeting dad and Gayle for dinner. I am going to give him a hug to pass on to grandma until I get to see her. I'm also going to give him the soundtrack I made that reminds me of my childhood experiences with him. He's the one who really got me into all different kinds of music. Now I know that when I feel the need to cry I can listen to a certain song and it will get me where I need it to. Every time. I hope he enjoys it and it brings him happy memories while the road to making hard and sad ones.

Quizzy-Poo

The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed? Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Your exact opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth CONSIDER: The Loverboy Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: jhoney88

I'm a ridiculous mess. I am all stressed out about some stupid ops meeting. I am giving myself heartburn and a good case of the shakes. I don't think I am dealing with stress and anxiety very well. Right about the time I hit summit every day I start to get nervous. I think about all the things I might have forgotten to do or could possibly reprimanded for. I hate it. I live for Fridays and hope something will change soon, but don't see it happening. At least not in the near future. I need to get over it or make some sort of decision to move on, because all this just can't continue.

Talk the talk

Sometimes it all gets to be a little much, doesn't it?

Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate universe where people are just a little too concerned with being overly dramatic and self-absorbed. A place where I wake up to freaky noises, that turn out to be sea lions, at 5:30am. A place where I have to drive 2.5 hours once a week (that's just 1 direction) to do stuff that could easily be done by someone else. I find this not only unnecessary, but a little ridiculous.

And then I have a fantabulous conversation.

I got to shoot the shit about my super comfy new pajama pants. Even though I promised I wouldn't buy anymore, I couldn't help myself. And I'd do it all again tomorrow.

And then there was old work gossip, debates about tattoos and best of all Ethiopian babies. I love it. My super crappy day got that much better. Ah, to be in a world free of judgment and drama, if only for that drive.

And adding to the list of positives, I didn't fall asleep on my drive home.

Thanks for getting it and listening. I'll go horseback riding with you anytime babe. Anytime.

Captious

The word of the day yesterday was captious, or "marked by an often ill-natured inclination to stress faults and raise objections." I find this oddly appropriate. Let's just say I am counting the days until January, otherwise known as "profit-sharing distribution month." Yeah.

My head hates me today and it is trying to turn my stomach against me. So sad. I would love a nap and the time change has thoroughly screwed with my internal clock.

We all miss Kellie.