Tiara Time!

you say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party.

I would like you to dance--Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-Birthday
I would like you to dance--Birthday
Dance

You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too--yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Oh yes, the big day is tomorrow. I am very excited to go hang with the ladies in V-town. Since I have already had several b-day celebrations I feel like this is going to be anti-climatic, but who knows. AND I managed to squeeze all of my crap into 1 little carry on and a backpack. I rule.

It also hits me that my mom had me when she was 24 every time I think about it. There's no way I would want to have a baby yet. I still don't feel like a grown up. Hopefully I will just be able to forget about it all and have a good time and relax. That's if I don't melt first. :-)

Sew you say

I sew. Well okay, I have sewn and I intend to more in the future. Last year and the year before I made some pretty fantastic (if you ask me) Halloween costumes. The best part is that I made them totally from scratch, as in had no patterns. They may not have been runway ready, but they certainly did the trick and I was mighty proud of myself for my efforts.

So does this all have a point? Well, yes. Last night I was watching some silly makeover show on the style network (a new favorite) and this 14 year old got to design a dress with a real designer and then the host wore it. I was SO jealous. It got me thinking, I could do that. I got to thinking about Project Runway, a design show that I was hooked on last spring. That's teh stuff I am drawn to naturally.

And, as some may know, I have what is becoming an obsession with shopping. Granted I have to be in the right mood, but if I am watch out.

Anyway, I figure if I refine my sewing skills I could make simple things like A-line skirts pretty easily. And sewing is another creative outlet for me. In HS I did tons of creative things. I even organized and participated in an art show at my school. Now I am stuck in this blah place where I feel too busy with crap to get motivated to do anything other than what others plan. I have decided to try and sew again. I got a little taste of it this weekend (although all I really did was hem some pants) and now I have the-seed-that-is-Halloween-costumes planted in my head. So watch out, maybe in 10 years I will have come across some fabulous trend that will make me extremely wealthy and able to retire at 35. And don't worry, I'm not one to forget the "little people" once I get there.

Still busy. I'm drowning in party planning!
I leave for Vegas on Friday though. I'm all set with my tiara and rearin' to go!

Work...

Is busy..hectic...not very good. Apparently I'm ineffective and not living up to my full potential. You can just imagine how I feel about that.

I think part of the reason that I don't really go after things is that I am super afraid of failing. What if I'm not smart enough or clever enough or talented enough to do something that I really want to do. I think that might devastate me. And so I tend to give maybe 75% to things. That way I get the job done without putting all of myself out there. It's a way to protect the inner me. And it also gets me bad review. I try to somewhat brush it off as me being bored with what I do, which is true, but there is also more to it. Too much to go into, but know that it's a sucky place to be in. And I KNOW I'm not alone in suckyplaceville.

Made in China

A Post on KN reminded me about a conversation I had with my grandparents over 4th of July weekend.

My grandparents are from a generation where people, for the most part, were used to saying things without regard for how PC they were being. In other words, they tend to say some rather prejudiced and bigotrous things without blinking. I really think that it doesn't occur to them that they are being offensive and inappropriate.

We were having a conversation about the neighborhood that they live in. They still have the same house that my dad and his siblings moved into when they were pretty small kids. It's a nice, typical neighborhood with 50s tract homes. They moved in when it was brand new. At the time the entire neighborhood was filled with families just like theirs, meaning white upper-middle class with several children. My grandpa was, and I guess still is technically, a doctor. As the years passed, all of the families grew up and the children moved away. Now the homes are filled with aging couples that have known each other for years. And those houses who's occupants have died or moved away have been sold to a much more "diverse" group of people than what originally made up the neighborhood.

And so we got to talking about some neighbors and my grandpa made a comment about how the whole place is "going Chinese." In fact, in his opinion, everything nowadays is made in China. And I don't know why it popped into my head or why I felt the need to share it with everyone else, but I responded, "none of us were made in China, unless there is something that no one here has shared..."

That really got them howling. Apparently my sense of humor is suited to septuagenarians, who knew? I thought that would give us a nice little reprieve from the racially motivated conversation, but once you get the old folks going all you can do is hunker down and ride it out.

Lacking purpose

unmotivated
adj
1. Having no cause, incentive or stimulus to act
Thesaurus: lazy, indifferent, purposeless, indolent, unenterprising; Antonym: stimulated, aroused, prompted.

I am SO not motivated to do anything today. It's bad. All I want to do is lay outside on a hammock and read a book and sip fruity cocktails. Yeah, that would be nice.

Instead I have to settle for a boss-free morning and a jam-packed schedule for the next few weeks ending in my trip to Vegas. That's right, I'm actually going this time. Sweet.

Being on hold...

It sucks. Especially when you have to pee really bad and the incompetent operators transfer you endlessly and they are playing Pachel Bell Cannon and you just can't hang up.

*sigh*

But at least I figured out that I was not the one who screwed up. Not this time.

Sacrifice

When my parents split up my dad was in a really bad place emotionally. He moved into a sad little 1 bedroom in Los Gatos and had to buy all new stuff. I remember knowing even then (I was 9) that he was deeply sad to his core. He would play this song over and over and we would curl up on his lap and try to make him feel okay or at least a little less alone. When I hear it even now it makes me ache a little remembering how hard is was for him. I may not be able fully to understand all of what he went through, but part of me knows that lows go farther down than anyone may think or want to admit.

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

Lazy hazy sunday in summer

This weekend I got a little surprise in the form of Miss Janet coming to visit. Since she left SC last year it has been hard to get together very often, but now she has the summer off (lucky-ass teachers) and we got to play.

Girl movies marathon followed by time with the babies and slip'n'sliding the afternoon away. What could be better? It's funny because my mom has a really nice house, but it's also like a black hole. You can "stop by" to drop something off and the next thing that you know 4 hours have passed. Most (if not all) of my friends won't go near the place anymore for fear of Being sucked in. I'm lucky that Janet likes the babies enough to overlook that tidbit.

And so we spent quite awhile on that yellow strip of plastic, flopping on our bellies along with the 4-10 year olds. Today my knees are bruised, my muscles and belly are sore and I have a nice little sunburn, but I also had myself a fabulously relaxing afternoon.

We ended the day gorging ourselves on Chinese food and watching War of the Worlds where I forced myself to not think of TomKat. I left the theater with the feeling that the movie ended rather abruptly and with several loose ends. I hate it when they do that too.

And a word to the wise, when they say "medium" icee, don't even think of believing them. The think could be used to bathe an elephant in. I'm almost not kidding.

(It was like this one)

BAD Miles!

Miles is misbehaving. I thought we had a deal worked out that since I gave him so much attention in the past few months he was going to go easy on me for awhile. Alas that is not the case.

On the way home from work last night I was happily chatting away on my cell and hearing about my mom's adventures in camping. The I felt it, that familiar bumpy thud that moan flat tire, flat tire, flat tire, until you find a pull out and can stop. FABULOUS. This is the second flat tire in 6 months that I have had on 17. The first I though to be a fluke, thins one, not so much. The cause was the same as the previous, a faulty stem that ended up having a major leak, just as I was making my ascent.

Other than being extremely irritated and frustrated that this was happening AGAIN I knew I was safe and hey, at least I am getting to be a pro at this. My mom called Dieter to see where he was in his trek back to SC and I started getting all of my tire-changing gear in place. I promptly took the skin off of one of my knuckles. And so there I was, on the shoulder of 17, in a dress and kitten heels, changing a damn flat tire. Again.

It turns out that Dieter was only 15 minutes or so behind me and he showed up right after I had gotten the jack most of the way up. I tried the lug nuts, but couldn't get leverage in my girlie shoes so I let him take those on. And boy were they on tight. Right after we had gotten the remarkably tiny wheel in place and were starting to get back on the highway who do I look up and see? Oh yes, it was Justin. He almost hit me as I was trying to get back onto the road. Apparently he, my day, Gayle and his friend Adam were all headed to SC at the same time that my mishap occurred. He followed the lame train back to SC, not exceeding 50 MPH the whole way. Yes, I am the asshole going 50 in a 65 where everyone else actually goes 80. Suck it.

Costco boy gave us attitude before finally agreeing to replace the tire, pro-rated of course. At 9:00 I finally got home and had a stern talk with Miles. Can we please knock this crap off? I would really like to be able to have some fun on my birthday and little $50 "incident" really don't help me.

And a warning to those who think Costco is the bargain messiah...This is my second defective tire from there and my dad also had to have all of the new tires for the van replaced after they found a serious defect with them too and had them recalled. Approach tire deals with caution because remember, your life is riding on them.

MaxMemories

Last night I had some freaky dreams. I guess I should first explain why I think they started.

Last night Ericka and I went to the mall for some record-breaking power shopping. At the last store we ran into a guy that I used to work with at the max. We chatted for a minute and fell back in to our gossip mode about what poor saps still work there. I rattled off the list that I knew about since I just was there to buy packing tape for moving and to thank the manager for the glowing reference I know he gave me. Anyway, he happened to mention that two of our former co-workers are now dating. This would be no biggie except one of them just happens to be someone I have history with.

When I first started working there I had just turn 18 and barely graduated from my isolating, repressive and non-social Catholic high school. I had gotten my driver's license about a month before and it was my first "real" job that I had gotten on my own. I had also just lost a significant amount of "baby fat" and had just started to get any kind of attention from the opposite sex.

I quickly fell into the store routine working the night shift since they already had a supervisor for my department that worked 8-5. Every night after we closed we would all horse around straightening up the aisles and putting things away. Person with whom I now have history and I would flirt madly like teenagers (but I was in fact still a teenager). It was really exciting and new and a little scary to have someone actually pay attention to me. Eventually we ended up together, although we had to keep it a secret since he was technically my supervisor.

Months went on and I found out some interesting tidbits like he wasn't really 22 like he told me, but more like 29. Also, the fact that we had to keep it so hush hush allowed him to do as he pleased when I was not around. Stories started coming back to me from co-workers gossiping about his lame partying ways and how some girl a random stock boy knew totally dissed him when he got all up on her at a party. And even though "no one knew" that we were together, pretty much anyone could figure it out. Our behavior was fairly obvious to people who watched us for more that 30 seconds.

Eventually all the "inconsistencies" and indiscretions got the better of me and we broke it off, but we continued to work together for 3 more years. I would hear rumors about who he was flirting with now and what new hire got the special treatment that I used to get. It hurt a little each time, but I learned to live with it since I really didn't have a choice and he was no longer accountable to me.

Towards the end of my time there, the rumors stared to get more intense. One of the new young girls would follow him around and I saw, in watching their interactions, what I must have looked like several years before. And it wasn't pretty. She was a 20 year old girl who went to the bible college in Scotts Valley. I could imagine a life sheltered like mine had been and part of me felt like warning her to run away. But then I would have to admit that I had made the mistake first. I eventually heard things like she had "pleasured" him in the furniture section after hours. Not good.

Soon after this I think the boss caught wind of the rumors himself and, along with all of the previous complaints for favoritism and generally inappropriate behavior with his subordinates, there was finally enough for a demotion. I left right after this point and knew things were going downhill from there. I walked away with the satisfaction that he is an almost 35 year old supervisor at a retail store and at 23 I make as much as him and am just beginning my professional life. No, careermax was just not for me.

And so back to yesterday and the catch up with the coworker at the mall. It turns out that the bible college girl left office max and she is still with him. They have been spotted around town. Nevermind the 14 year age difference.

And I know rationally that I shouldn't care at all about this information. If it isn't her then it would just as easily be the next young naive thing that walked in the door. In my head I can see all this. The problem is that I don't feel okay about it. I feel stupid for feeling the way that I do. I'm jealous and sad, not because I'm not with him (I know that's not what I want) but that she could be happy with him where I failed to make him behave. What's her secret? It probably doesn't help that I have not had a "real" relationship before or since so he is my only basis of comparison. I hate that being the rational human being that I am, I can't make myself turn off whatever part of me still feels that twinge when I see a car that is just like his, hoping that it is him and that it isn't at the same time.

last night I had dreams about the 2 of them over and over. Nothing racy, just being a couple and being together. And now I can't seem to find a way to get them out of my head. I hope that by passing it along I embarrass myself enough to shock it out of my system.

Branding

While in LA this weekend I notice an alarming trend. A bunch of the woman at the Del Amo Mall in Torrance had tattoos across their chests, kind of like this picture. It was crazy. And I'm talking full sentences and big bold things, not a delicate rose or something discrete. I just don't see what inspires people to do that. I think that little, tastefull tattoos can be cute on women or even larger ones that are placed in certain areas.

I've even considered getting something small on my foot or ankle, but in the end I really can't imagine being an old woman with a blurry ink patch somewhere. And that knocks me back into reality. This stuff is permanent people! Please spare your necks. Don't declare your love for someone that you've been with for 3 months by permanently branding yourself. It's just nutty. I think that the same kind of tattoos on guys are totally different. They can be sexy and create a bad-boy persona that is strangely alluring. But it just looks cluttered and messy on women, plus we tend to expose that area more frequently.

Now I know there may be plenty of people who disagree with me and I'm okay with that. I think that if you are going to mutilate yourself you should go for something removable. Trust me, that can be pretty fun and exciting too.

BORED

Today is going so SLOW!!!
I want to go home 3 hours ago. And I am highly unmotivated to be even a little productive. Bad me. That's what they get for making us work until 6:00pm before a holiday weekend.

pssst...I'm a fan of 1/2 days...get it?

And the majority of my office will be out Tuesday as well. I know more now than I ever wanted to about TomKat and BenGar and all the other trashy gossip that has been floating around.

I mean, you can only trash your co-worker's wardrobe with the catty guy in SF for so long before you both give up and sigh. Plotting ways to abuse company funds isn't even fun because we all know I never would. Not even for these. Even tasting a fabulous, sinfully chocolate, gooey cookie didn't help. Man-o-man I need to get out of this place.

T-minus 1hr 50min and counting...

Trippin'

So we are taking off for LA tomorrow. Although I am not looking forward to the drive, I am very excited to see the grandparents. And not only did I pack many various wardrobe choices, I also packed games for the car and music. You'd think I was going on a trek across the country or something. One never can be too prepared. :-)


Also, in preparation for the trip I uploaded new pics of the babies. Man are they cute. I printed some out so I can show my LA family what my SC family looks like. I hope this weekend goes welll and I get to spend some quality time with the people I love.