Anne of Green Gables

I just found out, thanks to Netflix, that there is a third Anne of Green Gables installment. I know I am the biggest dork in the universe for caring about that, but I so do. When I was younger I LOVED those moves. I owned the first and second installments and watched them constantly. I never seemed to tire of Anne's whacky antics. And now I find out that there is another piece of the puzzle that I was unaware of! Craziness.

Needless to say they have been added to my queue. Of course, now I have to decide whether I am just going to break down and buy them on DVD or hold off for now since I do have the first 2 on tape already. Decisions, decisions.

Nap Time

The school system has it all wrong. Kids in preschool don't need naps. They have more energy than they know what to do with. Once we enter the work force and are "old" we really need them. What I wouldn't give for a nap or siesta at about 3:00 every day. Then again, I'm all for the 4-day work week too. Hell I'm all about the 2-day work week if we really want to get serious. How did the US screw this one up so badly? Europe totally does it right with the vacations and work laws and all. Our attitudes about work ethics are all nutty. I think we really need to rethink this whole 2 week nonsense. Really.

Legally mandated vacation days

Sweden 32
Portugal 25
Denmark 30
Netherlands 25
France 30
Belgium 24
Austria 30
Norway 21
Spain 30
Switzerland 20
Ireland 28
Germany 18, *(but the average is 30)
Japan 25
USA* 16

Who's moving to Sweden with me? :-)
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It Spread...

The cancer. It spread to at least her liver and they also removed her ovaries just in case. And I just found out. I emailed Gayle to talk to her about what's happening with her dogs and I happened to ask if there was any news about grandma. And she told me. I bet they knew before. Why couldn't they just call me and let me know??? I just don't understand. And I'm sitting here at my stupid desk and I just want to leave and go see her right now. Friday won't come soon enough.

I called my mom to find out when my other grandma is flying back into town because I'm picking her up at the airport and I just burst into tears. Knowing there was someone comforting on the on the other end of the line just opened up the gates. And I'm a big crier to being with, you all know that.

Ever since I was little people have always told me that I remind them of her. I got her "great legs" and wavy soft hair. And that's something that I have always been proud of. The woman has the softest hands in the universe and the biggest laugh. I remember birthdays like her and I hoped that my kids would be able to know her and see what a great woman she is. I just have a gut feeling that's not going to happen now. And it makes me sad deep down.

Postcard

If you had to send a postcard here what would it say? I have lots of ideas. And a lot of those cards hit me in an odd way. It think it's a very interesting social experiment and I'm a little surprised how intimate people are willing to be when given the cloak of anonymity.

I think I'm being punished for some reason. I can't find my damn car registration renewal and it is driving me CRAZY. I tried to be so careful during the move too. Ugh.

At least tonight is margaritas and mexican food and then Batman with the girls from ABA. I'm very excited. :-)

Happy 100,000 miles!

Later this week the Honda will turn 100,000 miles. I am very proud of my reliable little friend and as a present I got it a big ol'service and new brakes. Plus I gave it oil as it turns out it had none left. I am SO bad. My poor little car. I have made a resolution to be much more diligent in checking it every time I get gas. BAD ME!

So here's to the last 99,999 and hopefully we'll be happy together for 99,999 more!

Cheers!

Dumb Luck and Deep Thought

While driving to my grandpa's 80th birthday yesterday I got a call from my dad. It turns out he had some bad news. His mom, my grandma Lila, has colon cancer.

Several years ago (I believe 7 or so) she had a stroke, actually she had 2 in a row. She was in a coma for quite awhile and she wasn't supposed to live. It turns out that her mother had died of a stroke when she was 55. Besides that turn of fate, her father died of colon cancer and now she has that too.

My dad found out in an odd way as well. He was emailing his older brother, John, back and forth and at the bottom of one of his emails John happened to mention keeping their mom in his prayers for the malignant mass found in her colon. My dad almost crapped himself right then. That is not how you expect to find out that your mother has cancer. He immediately called John and then his parents and the rest of his siblings, but no one was home. Eventually he got a hold of his mom and she reassured him that the doctors are working on getting a surgery scheduled soon, but you can imagine his anxiety level.

Thinking about all of the horrible things that she has had to go through it makes me think about the injustices that exist in this world. How is it that the mean, cranky, evil people can live so long, but people who are sweet and loving are struck down with such horrible ailments? How is this fair and just and fit in with any plan that any merciful God would have? It's things like this that make me seriously question how people can have faith in a loving higher being. I know that there are many beautiful and miraculous things that happen every day, but there are so may terrible things as well. Need for balance aside, it all makes me think hard about what I believe about myself and my place in the world. Heavy stuff, but these are times filled, make that overflowing, with it.

Things I am happy about:

-Red Vines. I love them. It's unhealthy how much so.
-I get to relax tomorrow AND I have access to the hot tub this weekend.
-My boss is out sick today. Schweet!
-I took care of my card-getting errands at lunch because Kellie is a trooper.
-It's Friday.
-It's June, which means it's almost July, which means it's almost my birthday. Yes, I am that big of a dork.

Bad-Girl Day Off...

...sponsored by:

Penance

As punishment for calling is sick to work for the first time when I haven't been gravely ill I am sunburned. I was only outside for 20 or 30 minutes, but I guess that's all it took for my pastiness. I have red shoulders and knees and I look rather funny if I may say so myself. Plus my ears are still plugged from going over the hill last night. Sweet.

All in all though I'd have to say that I definitely needed the break. And so far no major catastrophes, like being seen on TV. If only today were Friday. I'm spoiled now and so tempted to do it again. Bad me.

Random Run-Ins

I think that I have pretty much established that I know people everywhere.
The other day at Startbucks I ran into guy 1 from middle school and today I ran into another. In my own office. I think Kellie thinks I'm a little crazy. Maybe even part of a mob family or something. It's just not normal when there were 15 people total in the whole class! Yes, I was a private school freak. I wonder who I will run into next...

In a pretty much unrelated story, I went to lunch with my dad again today and we got to talking about family. He told me about how my brother took his girlfriend to Pismo for their anniversary last year. They stayed at the same hotel that my cousin got married at about 8 years ago. As he was walking down the beach explaining this to her who does he see...? That same cousin and her husband and children. How whacky is that??? They were there on vacation from Lake Arrowhead at the same time my brother happened to be there. Very odd and cool at the same time.

We also decided that I am odd because I know how old all my cousins are and the order we were born off the top of my head. And there are 15 of us on that side. I haven't even seen most of them in over 3 years. Here goes, for my own geekiness if nothing else. (with the parents on the right)
Carey 29-Deb
Tracy 25-Deb
Nicky 25-Glenn
Erica 24-Jeff
Jennifer 23-Greg
Michael 22-John
Kristy 21-Ded
Lila 20-Jeff
Justin 20-Greg
Eddy 19-Ded
April 19-John
Diana 19-Jeff
Cara 17-John
Jeffery 16-Jeff
Eric 13-John
And Grandma remebers each of our birthdays every year without fail. even since her stroke she's on top of it. She must be where I got my birthday brain. :-)
Another freaky fact, there is a boy in each of the youngest positions of allteh families. Craziness.

There's just something WRONG about getting sick in June. :-(

This is time for fun in the sun and baseball and enjoying the outdoors, not sniffles and sore throats. Sheesh. I want a refund.

The BS Cup

So, this weekend while having one of my mini breakdowns that seem to be occurring with increasing frequency my mom shared a truly brilliant theory with me. I believe this gives the perfect visual to the feelings that I feel like I have been having on a regular basis.

Imagine that everyone in the universe has this cup. The BS cup. Everytime you have to deal with everyone else's shit, a little more is added to the cup. One day, after taking it for a certain amount of time, your cup becomes full. Once the cup is full, all it takes is the littlest amount of BS and that cup overflows. Your reaction to this is emotional melt down (whether that be crying or getting angry). Your threshold has been reached and you are a mine field waiting to be crossed at every encounter. This will continue until you find a way to empty your cup out and be okay with things again. The key is, you have to figure out how to empty it and in your fragile overflowing state, any suggestions from the outside only seem like someone bouncing that cup and making it overflow, not the help that it is intended to be.

And so we come to my problem. My cup is full ladies and gentleman. I am not trying to be the big ball of tear that cries when you eat my potatoes without asking, I've simply reached my limit. Until I can figure out how I can empty my cup in a way that works for me I'm afraid that you will just have to bear with me. I know that everyone gets here at some point or another and I have just happened to reach mine now. Of course my hope is to figure it out sooner rather than later, because let's face it, red eyes and a constantly running nose hardly go well with my kicky little heels. Just be reassured that when your cup too runs over, I'll be there with the towel or Kleenex, whatever your need may be, because I've been there too.

Admin

I think the general nature of admin positions is that you get the crap jobs that no one else wants to do or even knows that you have to do. But the fact is, we make companies run. When asked to make a list of things in the admin realm that we enjoy it becomes very difficult because we don't, in fact, like much of anything about our jobs.

I have faced the somewhat brutal, yet honest, reality that I will pretty much be unsatisfied with whatever I do until I find a specialized field to concentrate on. And that means that I will have to go back to school to get a specialized degree in order to pursue that field. Basically that means I am "stuck" in lower admin positions until I get off my ass and make a commitment toward my chosen field. Even though I have figured this out, it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. And so I'm left contemplating what it is that I really want to do when I grow up. In the mean time I go to the job I have and hang out with the relatively friendly people that I work with and wonder why they don't tell you about all of this when you are in high school. "Hey kids, you should really go to college and work your ass off for a degree that will leave you ready to join the work force and the mind-numbing reality that is the entry-level admin job. Enjoy!"

How's that for motivation.

Dream

Last night I had a dream that I met up with an old friend from high school. She had organized a surprise trip for her boyfriend (who also went to my high school)to Hawaii and they wanted me to come with the group of 10 or so that she organized. And she told me all this at the SJ airport for some reason. The funny thing was that we had to leave the next day and I had to tell my boss that I needed a week off immediately.

For some reason I decided that she probably wouldn't let me go so I went out to my car, where I had all of my clothes but they were dirty, and packed a bag in a rubbermaid storage container and wheeled it into the airport. I told them that I got the time off and we could go right now.

The flight situation was super funky and we had to wait post-standby. That meant that once they had found seats for all of the standby passengers then we would have a shot at what was left. It was a big inconvenience, but the tickets were super cheap (like $10) because of it.

Right as they were announcing boarding for the flight we wanted to take I woke up. I knew it was a dream, but I was really disappointed that it wasn't true. In real life I would never be so irresponsible to just take off on a whim like that with no approval from my job or savings or planning. I think a part of me was sad because I really need a break and have a gut feeling that it won't happen for awhile because there are more important and practical things to take care of first.

Crazy randomness part deux

So on the way to lunch my dad told me another whacko story.

A little background. Gayle, basically my stepmom, is the oldest in a family of 3 boys and 3 girls. When they were younger, Gayle was like a mom to the kids and even named them all. The middle girl, Connie, and Gayle have not really talked in about 9 years, since their dad's funeral, and no one really knew where she was.

Fast forward to last week. Since dad and Gayle went on their health kick that, I mentioned before, they have been walking a lot. Last week they were over by the rose garden in San Jose and Alameda in Santa Clara. As they cruised down the street my dad noticed a woman walking toward them who was dressed in clothes that were too small for her, WAY to revealing for her age and pretty dirty. Completely turned off by it he averted his eyes and continued past her. When she was about 10 feet behind them Gayle stopped suddenly and grabbed his arm and said, "That was Connie." Obviously stunned Gayle turned around and went to talk to her. At first Connie had no recollection and then when she figured it out they started to catch up. Everything seemed pretty normal until the middle of a conversation when Connie busted out with. " I had twin boys in the park yesterday. Their father is a police officer and he delivered them."

Just so you know, Connie is 50 years old and she had her tubes tied about 30 years ago, so the probability about that being an accurate statement is pretty much nil. Connie had always been a few bricks shy of a load though so Gayle just tried to figure out if she meant her grown sons.

They continued on with their conversation and eventually parted ways. When they got home, they hopped in the car and decided to go back and look for her. No luck though. Gayle called Connie's exhusband (who is in fact a former police chief) and sons (who are in their 30s) who she kept in contact with and let them know what was going on. They said they said they would help in any way that they could. Apparently they have contacts within many shelter and social service related programs and found a place that can help her with a place to stay and medical care.

Gayle went back looking for her for several days until finally she found her in pretty much the same spot that she had been in before. She took her to the hospital to get checked out (which took over 18 hours) and her sons and ex met them there to see their mom and talk about her options as far as programs to help her. When they were done there Gayle and my dad took her home for a bath and got her new clothes.

The next day they met her family in SF and they took her up to the North Bay with them and made sure she got some help and is taken care of.

Crazy events like this, running into your sister after years on a street in the middle of SJ, make me think that there is more to our lives then this chaotic, random mess that follows no path or logic.

Strange lunch

This morning, while I was driving to work, my dad called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him. He's a teacher and today was his last final so he got off early. He met me at my office at 1:00 and we headed to downtown LG to grab a bite.

Now, my dad has been on this uber-low-fat diet lately so I tried to think of a place where he could get something acceptable. We chose Le Boulanger, which I had been craving since yesterday when Kellie & I tried to go but couldn't get parking. Anyway, we walk in the door and head for the line when my dad points to someone sitting down. It was Geneva, my grandfather's (my mom's dad) wife. My grandpa will be 80 in 2 weeks, but his wife is already 93 and pretty deep into dementia. We greeted my grandpa and he invited us to sit with them once we got our food ordered.

Now, you can imagine that this situation was slightly uncomfortable since my parents had a pretty acrimonious break up and even though it has been 15 years there is still some lingering resentment and bitterness. On top of that my grandpa was not blessed with what I like to call the "social filter" that lets him know that the things that come out of his mouth may not be appropriate given the company or situation or whatever.

So we sit down and the men begin to chit chat and catch up since it has been years since they have talked. They start with general "how's your job's" and such and my dad asked about my grandpa's family. Now grandpa's kind of a genealogy nut as it is and there is nothing that he likes better than talking about his family, extended or otherwise. He started his rundown and when he explained how his sister Jeanie has stomach cancer and has had 2 operations and chemotherapy GENEVA LAUGHED. Now I know the woman is off her rocker, but it was really odd. Soon after that she began to miss her mouth with the spoon and dribbled soup down the front of her suede coat.

All throughout the meal the men were semi goading each other and testing the waters a bit. I think because of how they related in the past and things that have happened it is only natural for it to be strained between them. I just sat there and tried to look as relaxed as possible, although the whole scene was a little stressed. As we gathered our stuff to leave, my grandpa and dad wished each other well and then grandpa proceeded to tell my dad that he has always felt that there was a bond between them. I guess you have to know the history to get how ludicrous that sounded. Dad and I gritted our teeth and hugged grandpa good bye before we exploded onto the street and looked at each other in disbelief over how surely the whole experience was. Who would have thought.

And we promised that if we go to lunch on a Thursday again there will be a change of venue. Days like these remind me how crazy my family is and how being at a certain place at a certain time can really alter your day.

Disconnected

"A connection could not be established, the specified host is not available at this time."

This message has been haunting me since I started here. Some days my computer is fine and purrs flawlessly like a well fed kitten, others it dislikes me for no apparent reason and stops letting me use IM. This is very traumatic as it also seems to disrupt my internet functioning and email. My co-workers have tried to figure out why my computer (whose name is Nantucket) is so darn cranky, alas I am answer-less.

Please Nan, cooperate with me. Performing menial tasks at the bottom of the food chain is hard enough, losing my connection with the entertaining and friendly outside world is unbearable. I know you understand. And if you are really nice I bet Kellie will give you a red vine, she's cool like that.

The "I"

What is the nature of the I? How does it appear to you? When you do not fabricate or create any artificial concept in your mind, does it seem that your I has an identity separate from your mind and body? But if you search for it, can you find it? For instances, someone accuses you, "You stole this." or "You ruined such and such," and you feel, "I didn't do that." At that time, how does the I appear? Does it appear as if solid? Does some solid, steady, and strong thing appear to your mind when you think or say, "I didn't do that?"
-The Dali Lama

Sometimes, when making decisions about life, whether they be great or small, we should take a step back and think, "Is what I am doing right?" I am not suggesting that all decisions need to be made with deep refection on the morality of all things, it's just a good habit to get into. Self-reflection makes us think and become more accountable for our actions, after all, if we can not live with ourselves and the decisions that we have made, how can we expect others too. So when thinking about "I" don't forget to consider that life does not only include us alone. Although we are all individuals, we interact and rely on others for support and love and companionship. Sometimes making decisions that are selfless and painful in the now can lead to greater personal fulfillment in the long run.

So Janet and Evan came and played with us this weekend in our new pad. Here are some random tidbits and highlights.

-Wine. Lots of it. All over the place.
-We were granted access to our landlords hot tub and then promptly caught one of her statues on fire and broke the hot tub's heater (although I have no idea how?!?!). I fear the first time we got to use it will also be the last.
-The beach was beautiful, although windy.
-The "Pants Movie" is sad. Bring tissues. (and I know I'm a silly girl for wanting to see it at all)
-Running into the Gay Pride parade while waiting for breakfast. Also, I have never seen so many blue-painted-hairy-thong-assed people in my life. Nice.
-Thai food
-"early morning" Yahtzee
-Beer/wine/gin tasting, all within 3 blocks of each other.
-Naps
-Chillaxing with people. It was nice.
-Mint chip from Thrifty (it will ALWAYS be Thrifty)
-Couch cuddling

Water

So I have often been teased about the fact that I dislike water. Well, not so much dislike, but if given the choice between water and something else, you know what I am going to pick, and it isn't water. :-)

When reading Dooce.com today (because really I have become obsessed) I found out that I am not alone in my beverage choices and I thought I should share her post that just increased my "enamored quotient" considerably. In fact, I agree with much of what she says. And of course hearing her poop stories never gets old. Enjoy.

I don’t drink nearly enough water. My parents never taught me about the benefits of maintaining a healthy level of hydration throughout the day, although my mother did help me develop a rather crippling addiction to Diet Coke when I was five..

I know I should drink more water who couldn’t have just a bit more water in their diet? But when faced with a choice between a cup of water and a cold Mountain Dew, ten times out of ten I’m going to Do the motherfucking Dew, not because Mountain Dew tastes particularly good hey oh! but because Mountain Dew is basically uncut crack in a pee green liquid state. Water is just, well, water.

I guess you could say that I like to get the most bang for my buck. I’ll drink a double vodka martini at the beginning of a party because, heavens to Baby Jesus, I just want to get it over with.

Why sip a couple beers and only flirt with drunkenness? If I’m going to drink, then by all means, I’m going to DRINK. Why should I waste the time, and more importantly, the calories on a useless and utterly vile Miller High Life?

The same holds true for beverages of the non-alcoholic variety. If I’m thirsty it means I’m usually dehydrated, which in turn means I’m probably tired (it’s safe to say that I’m always tired, and that you can find me napping in the parking lot). To quench that thirst and the consequent fatigue, I’m gonna have me a large Diet Coke or a triple shot of espresso, not a trendy little bottle of water, that’s for sure.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, dude, all that alcohol and soda and coffee, like, no wonder I’m dehydrated. You’re thinking a little water might do me some good. And I’m thinking, oh just shut up already.

I think "figuring it all out" is going to take awhile. Just a heads up. Now for some positive...

Ten Things I want to do during my lifetime:
1)Travel all over the world
2)Accomplish something positive that will leave a lasting impression
3)Have children
4)Be madly in love
5)Make peace with all the things that make me crazy
6)Own a house
7)take a hot air balloon ride
8)Go at it in and orchard
9)Find my passion
10)Relax

It's coming...

And I am very excited. Oh yes. I can hardly wait.

I'm really working on my whole irrational hostility thing, but so far it doesn't seem to be letting up. It goes away for a little while (or so I think) and then something else comes along that totally aggravates and annoys me. Baby steps. I really am working on it...